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the virgin superhero
Article Submitted By T.J. Spencer
Does having super powers and saving humanity, meaning you will never get laid? This very phenomenon seems to be affecting superheroes like Spiderman and Superman. As we seen in Spiderman I and II, Peter Parker was a virgin through high school. He was a virgin when he entered college. At the end of Spiderman I, Mary Jane announced his love from him, but he had to turn down red-headed poon because he was afraid of endangering anyone he loved due to his superhero alias..
Let’s look at Superman. He never gotten laid until maybe he was about 30-years-old in Superman II. And in order to get in Lois Lanes pants (who wasn’t even all that hot), he had to changed himself into a human. I guess that this implied that Superman would have killed any woman that he screwed or perhaps even his super-sperm which would have a shot massive hole through Lois Lane, so being an everyday joe is the only answer. In Superman Returns, we find out that Superman has fathered an illegitimate child with Lois Lane. What are the chances of that? Superman gets laid for the first and only time in his life, and he produces a bastard kid.
Now let’s analyze Batman. In the movie, Batman Begins, Afred told Bruce Wayne that he had to maintain a playboy image in order to prevent suspicion regarding his secret alter ego. As we know in the Batman comic book, he has been fighting crime all these years, and he has no real girlfriend that we know of and even though he in his thirties, he is still not married. Despite his playboy image, Bruce Wayne is not even depicted as getting booty calls coming over to his mansion. So what’s the story here. Has witnessing his parents’ death really caused him to no longer like poon when he grew up. C’mon, everyone has childhood trauma, but they still like poon. However, we may wish to analyze his choice of taking in a teenage ward, Dick Gracin, a.k.a. Robin, under his tutelage. All we know about Bruce Wayne is that he lives alone in his mansion (except for his butler) with a teenage boy that is not related to him.
Now The Thing from the Fantastic Four movie is an interesting enigma. While not a virgin, one has to wonder about his sex life after metamorphasizing into the rocky creature. In the movie, just like in the comic book, he develops a relationship with a blind woman. When everyone saw that, one thing that popped up in everyone’s mind (at least those who are perverted) is "how do they screw?" Does The Thing has a rocky schlong, or perhaps rocks cover all his body except his schlong which is quite a strange sight. Perhaps his schlong are like his ears. It disappeared under all that rocky covering. There might only be a hole down there for urination or the occasional gaiser of semen of when he has his wet dreams which most men would have now that he can’t wank off no longer. I can imagine it gushes out when he sleeps like a hot gaiser in Yellowstone Park. Now let’s assume he has a rocky schlong. Does his blind girlfriend like it. How does it feel to have rocks inside of her? Does it feel good. Is The Thing always hard?
An interesting note is that the Superhero that is quite possibly be the luckiest in terms of getting poon is Mr. Fantastic. This man can shape his anatomy to any size and shape he wants. What man wouldn’t give to have his superpowers? He may not even need a condom seeing how he is made of rubber.
The relationship between the Hulk and Betty Ross also sparks our curiosity. In one long storyline in the comic, the Hulk and Bruce Banner’s psyche get merged, so he becomes the Hulk perpetually without ever turning back into Banner, but he retains the intelligence of Bruce Banner. At this stage, he retains his relationship with Betty Ross. So one has to ask Betty Ross, what does it feel to have a 9-foot-tall green bohemoth as a boyfriend? Who is a better tiger in bed, the nuclear scientist, Bruce Banner or the green, mutated juggernaut. Would there be a saying, “Once you go green......?”
Last but not least that is the Flash. Insight into his sexual ability sparks our fascination. With his super speed, can he move himself like a human vibrator? But of course, the downside is that he comes really fast.
